I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
