It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
