lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
