Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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