My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
