there's paper in my vomit.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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