Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
