i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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