my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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