Please, let me fuck your mom
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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