saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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