so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
