Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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