a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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