Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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