Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
