y did u give ur computer a hand job?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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