Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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