Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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