Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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