dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
