Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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