i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
