My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
