and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
