Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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