So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
