Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
