so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
