if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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