We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
