Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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