I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Randomize
