Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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