We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I don't deserve a penis
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Couch. On fire.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
