i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
