i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
We need to feng shui this bitch.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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