Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize