I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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