Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
