well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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