I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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