Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
