I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
We have started to decorate penises.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
