His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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