I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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