If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
