i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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