And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
