Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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