Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I think I won the penis lottery.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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