the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
