I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
