Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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