sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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