I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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