a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
