just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
