Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
