Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize