if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
oh god the rape fog is back!
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
