accomplished twins. life is a go
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
