what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I fill condoms, not promises.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
