Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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