and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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