Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
