the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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