need another drink. this is the easiest way
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
