My cat gives me a boner
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
