her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
