Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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