I wish my penis had an off switch
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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