I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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