Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Randomize
