I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
