i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
