I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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