So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
